I’m really looking forward to my trip. I have for a very long time now. (Since I was born, but mainly since September when I decided to go for it). Anyhow, I have been looking soooooo much forward to it, sometimes just lying sleepless just thinking about all the things I have to do before I leave and also dreaming about all the things I want to do during the trip.
But now that it’s getting closer, a new feeling has started growing. A sort of anxiety.
People have said that its brave of me to travel alone to South America for more than 6 months, but for me, it was just how I’ve always pictured if would be. But now, I’m getting a little afraid. I’m finally realizing that I’m going to be alone. Yep.
I know that I will meet tons of new interesting people and get lots of new friendships, I know, but since I’m traveling around from town to town, I won’t have anyone steady, no one to turn to when I need consolation, no one to take care of me if I get sick. And I won’t have my mother who always can lend out a hand if I need help. I’ll for the first time actually be totally standing on my two own feet. That’s scary!
That’s how I felt the last 2 weeks. But now, that there’s only 2 days left before departure, I’m getting quite sad too. I noticed on Sunday after the fencing training, on my way home after saying goodbye to everyone there, I had this really weird feeling inside of me that I couldn’t understand, like sadness instead of happiness. I felt like crying. A friend told me that it’s probably because I feel like I’m never going to see them again, but that I would, and that is true. So today, my last day at work, it went a little better to say goodbye to my co workers. This evening I spent with my roommate Sanna and my neighbor and best friend Carro just watching TV and talking. Have to spend every minute possible with the people I care about, if not, I feel like I’ve wasted time by being with myself.
I learned a few things about myself and what’s in head of me on my last trip to France.
First thing, bring a valid passport!! Yeep, I know it’s elementary, but I’ve done it twice now. Brought my old passport with me, who expired 2 years ago. Gratefully, I was within the Schengen-area, so I was able to fly with only my identification.
Second, in Lyon I got sick, throwing up and having problems with my stomach. It was quite weird being sick and not being at my home, I wasn’t able to just lie in bed and not be social to anyone. Also, I felt a sort of shame, because I wasn’t that good company either. I felt like I was in the way.
And third, when I was going home, my flight got cancelled due to a big snowstorm in Stockholm, so I got booked on another flight to Zürich where I was supposed to take another flight to Stockholm, but that one was also cancelled.
I got all stressed up because I had a freelance-job the next day and I didn’t know when I was going to be able to fly, and the cues where sooo long (it took 3 hours to get pass them). When I realized that I wasn’t going to make it that day, I found a new calm, and I started to talk to the other passengers who also were stuck, and I had great conversations. But it was sad too, because I knew that I would never meet them again. It was all just temporary.
I also noticed another thing, it is that, when I was stuck there and didn’t know anything about what was happening, I had this anxiety in my body, I was stressed, irritated and restless. I think it was because I didn’t know where I would end up, so I was stuck at the airport and I couldn’t do anything about it at all. I had no control. I think I need to know where I’ll be sleeping before I go somewhere. I have very easy to say “home” to everywhere I sleep, but I need to feel that I have somewhere that’s going to be my home for that night. Then, I can enjoy.